Isn’t life funny? Life begins at 40. I have heard that saying so many times, haven’t we all? But I never thought it would be truly relevant to me. I had a modelling career which inevitably ended when I got ‘too old’ (I was about 28 years old), I had a struggle with fertility, I had my twin boys and now I am a stay at home Mum. I thought that was pretty much it. How could my life change?
Its just occurred to me this morning that ‘Life Begins At 40’ has become very relevant to me. I was woken up early this morning by a very wriggly baby. I am now 26 weeks pregnant and the baby is apparently the size of a red cabbage, very cute. I laid still for a bit really feeling him swoosh around and poke me with little sharp prods and just enjoying those movements because I am pretty sure this will be my last pregnancy so I want to embrace every moment.
I haven’t spent this whole pregnancy feeling this way though. At my 16 week check up my midwife suggested referring me to the mental health pregnancy team. Up until that point I had felt really flat and disconnected to the baby. In fact I had found myself in tears quite a lot. All I could focus on was the negatives, how would the twins feel about a sibling? How will I cope with the night feeds, the mess, my body changing again? Alongside worrying that I was surely too old to be a new mum again? Did you know that a pregnancy in over 35 year olds is called a geriatric pregnancy? I didn’t and luckily no one at my check ups mentioned it to me when I was feeling low or it would have tipped me over the edge!
At my 20 week scan we found out our unborn baby is a perfectly healthy baby boy, I felt relief that he was healthy and growing well but I did have a week or two where I grieved the loss of the baby daughter I now will never have. I spoke to a mum on the school run who has 3 boys and she told me she felt the same at first but now realises what a blessing her boys are and I follow some #mumofboys accounts on Instagram and gradually realised that Yes I am a boy mum and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We also chose his name (which i will keep to myself for now) but that helped so much with bonding with him.
Now I am grateful and enjoying every wriggle and every kick and I can honestly say that I can’t wait to meet him, night feeds included…